Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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