I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
