Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
