9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize