Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
