I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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