we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
