The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
