goodnight i made you a song goodbye
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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