I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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