just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
