Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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