I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
