"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
