Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
