True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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