Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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