I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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