dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
