70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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