my vag is so smooth its legendary
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
