Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
