return my video game
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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