should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
