when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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