thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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