Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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