i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
