Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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