Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
