She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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