The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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