My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
you made out with another girl for some wings
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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