Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
