how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
