Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
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I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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