you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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