The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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