Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
