I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
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Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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