omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
