I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
