i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
3 2 1 whiskey
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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