I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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