This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
