I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
