Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
