What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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