Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
