Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
