Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
