I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
