is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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