Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My feet surprised me
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
