When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
