whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
