dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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