Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
